


No Souvenirs

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Time Turner, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2004-06-22
Packaged: 2018-05-18 13:26:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5930101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius loved Remus, but the Wolf cast him aside.  James picked up the pieces and put them back together.  After Azkaban, can Remus and Sirius make things right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. in the dark, the innocent can't see

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

TITLE: No Souvenirs

AUTHOR: Maple Tide

E-MAIL: mapletide@fastmail.fm

DISCLAIMER: The characters involved that are from the Harry Potter universe are the property of J. K. Rowling and all associated publishers (including Scholastic Press, Bloomsburg, and Raincoast). I'm just borrowing them for my own nefarious purposes. The plot involved, any stray characters that may crop up, and any other things that don't belong to her belong to me. I'm not seeking to make any money off of this; rather I'm going it for fun and for the chance to get it out of my own imagination before it drives me even more insane. Understood? =) Good.

RATING: R

CATEGORY: Angst/Slash. James/Sirius, Remus/Sirius

KEYWORDS: Sirius, Remus, wolf, forgiveness

SPOILERS: PoA

ARCHIVE: The Dark Arts. FFNetFugitive. Snitchfiction. FD.net. Marauder Me (my website). If this qualifies for Azkaban's Lair at some point, they can have that.

FEEDBACK: Please? I can be reached at mapletide@fastmail.fm

SUMMARY: There had been a time when he had loved a boy. A lovely, lovely boy. But within the boy lived a wolf, and there was a time when that wolf was betrayed by none other than him, and then he cast him out. The only thing that kept him from leaving forever was another boy who knew him, who loved him, who shielded him. But that boy loved a girl, and he still loved the other boy, so it wasn't fated. Then everything was shattered and gone, and the wounds left behind still bled.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is a bit of a guilty pleasure story. Angsty as all hell, it's going to be, surely, but it's allowing me to indulge my guilty pleasure ship (JP/SB) while not betraying my OTP, the One True Way (SB/RL). ;) The idea hit me, and it wouldn't go away, so what else could I do other than follow it through?

The idea behind the title hit me after I started writing, and was listening to a mix CD I had thrown together a while ago. I started listening to "No Souvenirs" by Melissa Etheridge and several of the lines seemed to jump out at me for different parts of the story brewing in my head. So there will be a line of the song as the title of each part, told at different times in the timeline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part I: "In the dark, the innocent can't see"

"I will never accept you. Not after what you've done."

The words rang throught Sirius's mind as he raced from the hospital wing. For over a year, Remus had held himself distant, and this time, this time he thought maybe he could show up, and show himself to be open and bare to the other boy, and that maybe there would be forgiveness there. However, he had forgotten just how much of the wolf resided within the boy. Remus Lupin may eventually forgive and forget, but the wolf never would.

So it was with the wolf in Remus's eyes that when he was on his knees begging for orgiveness, that the boy that he'd been in love with since their fourth year had risen from the bed and told him that there was no forgiveness, that there was no chance of him ever working his way back into his good graces. There had been more, and the more Sirius ran from the hospital wing, the louder that got, throbbing in the back of his head.

"You betrayed me, you betrayed your entire pack with what you did. I cannot have a traitor in my pack, and so I cast you out," with those words, he had spat upon him, fully the wolf now, fully Moony and nothing of the boy that Sirius had grown so fond of over the past few years they had been at school together. "Get out of my sight. I will never countenance being around you again. Go do the honourable thing before you hurt someone else."

And so Sirius had ran, as he was running now. There was nothing but a blur that the students watched. And all the while, Sirius could hear Snape's laughter in the back of his head, because he made sure he remembered being forced against the school, the coarse feeling of the brick against his back. And so, he had lashed out, he had told him where Remus was, just so he'd let him loose.

The rivalry between them all had been intense, and it had been worse since then, somehow. Despite the fact that Remus had had nothing to do with it, he was lumped in with the rest as being responsible. All of them had been held responsible for the prank, instead of just him. He was the only one that should be to blame. It **was** his big mouth that had started this trouble, after all.

So he ran, because that's how he dealt with things. That was how he had dealt with his father dying at the hands of a Death Eater, with his mother racing at his back, and finally grasping the length of fabric at his neck and stopping him. That's when he fell into her lap, almost, and they cried together before going back to tell Orion. Then his brother had gone crazy, and after a while, he ran from that too.

He ran from this too, racing through corridors filled with students, knowing just how much to turn to avoid hitting one of them and knocking them to the ground, hence slowing himself down. And the more he ran, the faster he got, until he reached the staircases. Those he leapt two and three at a time, having no idea where he was going, and when he did realise where he was headed, it stopped him in his tracks.

Gryffindor Tower. Was he totally daft?

That was almost as bad of an idea as going to see Remus in the hospital wing. Peter was still barely speaking to him, looking at him in a tone of wariness, as though he couldn't be trusted, which led Sirius to believe that he wouldn't go against Remus, and if Remus was to hate him forever, so would Peter. Remus's best friend outside of the Marauders would look at him warily, cautiously, and talk to him a small amount, but no more than she absolutely had to.

James... Well, James was different, and would just watch him with a worried expression on his face, as though he knew. Of course he did. They had grown up together, and knew each other's minds about as well as they knew they're own. That was why Sirius had run to James in the first place, and after a few angry words exchanged, he had gone to save Snape from the jaws of the werewolf. The same werewolf that had just cast him out of the pack.

All the pleading expressions, all the begging couldn't help it now. He was destined to forever be stuck like this, in love with someone who hated him. Oh, probably Remus didn't hate him, and that was the difference. Remus would forgive him eventually because he was Remus, but the wolf would never allow him even remotely close ever again. He knew that, could feel it, and that's why he found himself standing in front of the Fat Lady like someone who was entirely daft and had no clue of what was going on.

He would have had a better chance if he had gone to that secret room beside the Ravenclaw common and tried to get in touch with Hope. At least that was someone who still talked to him, who was still with him of her own free will. That seemed to be limited to her and James these days.

"Password?"

"Leorna Maicana."

The password had been James's idea, and he could see him even now, eyes sparkling with mischief as he had suggested it. The other Gryffindor prefect, Lily Evans, had been mildly annoyed, and her eyes had flashed green fire that the other had pretended not to see. She had then pointed out that it was a nonsense word, and James had just grinned wider, exclaiming that that was part of the fun of it.

All these things, all these inanities, were things that he was remembering now, and if he had been questioned why he was remembering them, he couldn't have said. Still, the password was accepted and the portrait hole swung open. He leapt through the entrance, thankfully not tripping and landing flat on his face this time. Then he tried to walk into the Common Room, rather than racing through it, which would serve no purpose other than calling attention to himself.

That was the last thing he wanted to do right now.

In his head was still ringing those words, and finally his mind had wrapped around what it meant to "do what was necessary". Somewhere deep inside, the part of him that was Padfoot had known and was driving him to the most likely place to sit and think about how he was going to go about it.

It was an eventuality, after all.

"Oi, Siri, how'd things go?"

He stopped in the middle of the Common Room and looked at James with an incomprehensible expression. James had that curious expression on his face, and grey eyes glinted knowingly at him from behind rounded glasses; the same glasses, in fact, that he had had for as long as Sirius had known him.

He shrugged, "They went. He still won't talk to me."

James grimaced, "Sorry, mate. It was worth a try, wasn't it?"

"Yeah..."

He shivered a bit, then, feeling the eyes of everyone on him. Granted, it truly wasn't everyone, but Dariele was giving him a look over the chessboard, but Peter was ignoring his presence altogether. Lily Evans was looking at him curiously, and so was Ariena Bincha, for that matter. Then there was James, who was looking at him like he could see through him.

Sirius shivered; he didn't need someone who could see through him right now.

"You all right, Sear?"

"Yeah," he shrugged at James. "I'll be all right. I just need some rest, and I'll finish up that Transfiguration homework for McGonagall later."

"If you're sure..."

Sirius nodded and headed for the stairs. He clattered up them, and moved like he was going into their dorm. Eventually he could feel James's stare fall away, and he found himself relieved. He didn't need to have the ghost of James Potter's most intense stare following him all over the bloody place if he was actually going to succeed at this.

Finally, he found the panel of wall that fell away and led outside. He pushed against it, and it spun him out of the corridor and into the night winter air. He sniffed at it; from the smell of things, it would snow soon. He wondered if it would wait until after he was done, and so his body would be coated with a fine sheen of snow, so they wouldn't find him until after the snow melted.

Slipping into nothingness that would be like falling asleep in the soft winter's wind. He shook his head, and could hear the whimper of Padfoot in the back of his mind. No, he wasn't going to give up yet, was he? It wasn't worth that much, was it? If it wasn't, then it certainly didn't feel like it at the moment.

He reached the top of the tower and sat on the edge, staring out at the landscape. You could see all of the United Kingdom, almost, from the top of this tower. At least, that's the way it seemed to him. The sight, with nothing more to accompany it was rather peaceful, and soothing, especially to his mind which felt like it'd been through a minefield.

Sirius had loved Remus since fourth year, and James had known it. He had found out about that almost as soon as he'd found out about Sirius being gay, during the same conversation at James's house over the summer. They'd known each other for so long that it was almost impossible to keep something like that secret from one another. Just like he knew that James despaired of ever finding someone he fancied like that. It didn't even matter the gender, he had told him then, running a hand through thick black hair and making it stand on end even more than usual, just as long as there was something there.

He shook his head; not that it mattered now that he'd fucked everything up.

However, just when he'd gotten up the nerve to answer the request Moony had made of him, and was just about to actually make the jump, the door crashed open, and James was standing there, staring at him. Sirius had forgotten about the other, more direct way to the top of the tower, but James apparently hadn't, as he was standing there, staring at him.

"Sirius, don't. It's not worth it."

"Isn't it? I buggered it all up, James, and Moony asked me... he asked me to do this."

"Moony asked you? Moony? Kind, gentle Moony who would have to have a good reason to hurt a bloody fly?"

"Not Moony. **Moony**. The wolf."

"Oh..."

"How did you even know I was coming up here? Dammit, James, how did you **know**?"

"Bloody hell, Siri, you didn't think I'd know?! We've only known each other since we were six and if ten years of friendship isn't long enough to know when your best mate's mentally fucked beyond belief, when would you know?"

"Never," Sirius said quietly. "I never meant for you to know."

James snorted then, "Oh, I'd know all right. Next bloody morning when we found your dead body at the bottom of Gryffindor Tower with a broken neck."

"But James..."

"I know," he smiled softly. "Come here."

Sirius froze where he was, and James just sighed before moving over to where he was standing, "I guess you're lucky, mate, that I can walk to you as easily as I could get you to come to me. Now shh."

Then James kissed him. Sirius froze even more, completely surprised and not knowing what in the name of Merlin to think, then decided to stop thinking, since thinking got him into trouble. He relaxed into the kiss then, and returned it in fully until it turned from a kiss into an out-and-out snog. The wind blew at them, but James braced the both of them somehow against the tower so they wouldn't be blown off the top.

Finally, though, oxygen wore out and Sirius pulled away, licking his lips, "Blimey..."

"That wasn't too bad," James said lightly, a twitch of a smile appearing at one corner of his mouth. "It wasn't torture, I suppose, kissing me."

"No, not torture," Sirius said, and licked his lips again, staring out over the Forbidden Forest where they so often ran during the full moon. Where he hadn't run as Padfoot for a full year, and never would again, judging from how things were. Then he turned to face him again, "James, I don't know what to say."

"You? Sirius Black, not knowing what to say?" he chided. "I'm shocked. Well and truly shocked."

"Don't be. I don't know what to say as often as I like to think I do," he sighed. "James, you know I love you."

"Of course."

"But--"

"Listen, I'm not going to ask you to proclaim your never-ending love for me. This isn't about that, and you know it. They say that a person finds their soulmate once in a lifetime, and I think you've found yours already. I haven't found mine yet. Maybe yours rejected you, and maybe mine will reject me as well. I don't know that yet. All I know is that you're hurting, Siri, and by Godric's name, I'm not going to stand by and let you just hurt without trying to do anything. Let me help you, Siri. Let me."

Sirius stared at James for a long moment before pulling him close and kissing him. It was a harsh, desperate kiss, and when he finished the kiss, he dropped down into James's lap, his teeth clenched and his heart flying away to parts unknown. He heard a murmur of that voice he'd known forever, and it drew the pain out. Before he knew it, Sirius was muttering under his breath about all that had happened, the real story behind what happened with Snape, and the year he'd spent separated from the others, and what happened with Remus just now.

James, he knew, was listening. There were occasional comments and questions that went under his scope of hearing, but he somehow got the feeling that he answered them all the same. He poured his heart out and left it open for display in front of this boy, this person that would grow up to be a powerful wizard, whom he'd known all his life. It was safe to do that, and so he did.

Then, when there were no more words left, he just cried.

He was unaware of the sound of someone clattering up the stairs to the tower proper, but James wasn't. He looked up sharply to see who was coming to invade on their private space, and he didn't have to wait long. At that moment the door started to open, and the wind ripped it out of the hands of the person standing there.

Just standing there, staring at Sirius sobbing in James's lap, brown hair blowing into his hazel-green eyes and blinding him in the process, was Remus Lupin.

James just looked at him, wondering how he could have told Sirius the things he did, but when the wind shifted and blowed his hair away from those eyes, he understood. It wasn't Remus that told him that he had put them all in danger, it was Moony, using some of Remus's fears and throwing them at their friend. Remus had warned them all once of the Wolf's cruelty, but never had it come down to this.

"Remus..."

"James, I--" Remus licked at his dry lips, "I heard what the Wolf told him, and as soon as Pomfrey let me out, I had to come up here and see if I could stop him. I never--"

"I know, but the fact is, Remus, he practically died tonight. He would have, if I hadn't stopped him. He was ready to jump off the top of the Tower tonight, and none of us would have even known until morning that anything was wrong. We never even knew the things he was holding, because we took the facade for granted. We took Sirius's flippancy for nonchalance, and even I forgot how deeply he felt things."

"How bad was it?" Remus looked nervous, standing there, as though he didn't dare come any closer.

"It was bad. He's a bloody mess," James sighed. "I think... I think somebody is going to have to help put him back together."

There was a horrified look on Remus's face at that, and he turned and fled. James sighed and closed his eyes. It was such a burden, to know that you're the only person your best friend trusts to help him put himself back together, and yet...

He loved Siri. He absolutely loved Siri, so how could he do any less?

And that was why Sirius Black awoke the next morning on top of Gryffindor Tower with the body of James Potter curled around him, protecting him from whatever may come to harm them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	2. lock it up now, hide the key

[Header information in Part 0]

Part II: "Lock it up now, hide the key"

James Potter strode up the stairs to the flat occupied by Sirius Black. There was a twinge in his heart; once they had shared that flat together, as they had shared a life. From that day at Hogwarts, three years ago, they had embarked on a relationship of a more carnal variety. At least that's what Sirius had called it, at one time, with a flash of that smile.

That smile.

James grinned and adjusted his glasses. At the beginning of it all, he had despaired of ever seeing that devil-may-care grin ever again, and he didn't fool himself into thinking that he alone could ever heal the wound that Remus's wolf had left. Still, after about a year, he started to see that smile, and by the time they had left school, it was there on a regular basis. He had helped with that, and although Sirius confessed that the wound wasn't healed, he was able to go on, despite that.

Their love was something that was comfortable, something that both of them were used to. James had gotten a job down at the Ministry, and Sirius had thrown himself into Auror training. Eventually, the need for Aurors had dictated that he was to join him, and they were teamed together from the start on the advice of Alastor Moody. It didn't take long for everyone to figure out what the two of them had known for years; they worked well as a team. They always had.

Life fell into a comfortable pattern, and James found that he could have cared less whether or not he actually found that lifelong mate that he once told Sirius he despaired of ever finding.

Then he met Lily Evans in downtown London.

They stopped for a chat, and for a cup of tea in the Leaky Cauldron. James started seeing something in her that he hadn't seen when they were in school. How fascinating she was, how much feistiness she hid behind that flash of green eyes and curtain of red hair. How intelligent she was, and how much she could have been one of the Marauders if she had even remotely cared to do so. At the time, she admitted to him, she could have cared less about anything aside from her studies.

She was Muggleborn, after all, and in these times, she needed all the advantages she could get from a Hogwarts education. The more he talked to her, the more he realised that she had a brain behind those eyes and under that hair, and was nothing like the blind, simpering witches that had surrounded them at school, even in Gryffindor House. She knew what was going on, and was willing to meet it head on.

So slowly, over that cup of tea, James found himself falling in love with her.

The only problem had been telling Sirius. Sirius, who had been so heartbroken when James had entered his life in the capacity he had been in for the past three years. Yet, the instant that he walked into their flat that evening, Sirius had looked at him and just knew, much the same as James had known three years prior when Sirius had been so close to jumping over the edge.

At that point, James arrived at the door, and shuffled uncomfortably. It still felt like an odd thing not pull out his key and just walk into the flat. He could hear an echo of Sirius's words to him when he had stumbled out about the thing with Lily. He had been hurt, yes, but supportive. He closed his eyes, shook his head, and knocked.

"Sirius?"

"It's open, mate," came the response.

James walked in, and blinked in the sudden shock between the light out in the corridor and the dark of the flat. He walked in and closed the door behind him. He reached for his wand and waited for his eyes to adjust to the dark. So many things were still as they had been the last time he had been there, the night before his marriage to Lily.

"Sirius?" he asked again.

"I'm right here, Prongs," came a voice right in front of him, and when he blinked, he saw Sirius sitting sprawled on the sofa.

James ran his tongue over his lips and sighed, "Have you heard, then?"

"No. Just sort of reminscing upon younger days, James. Come, sit, and share with me the news that you've brought. Unless you have another reason for coming to visit me?" there was a mischievous tone to that last statement, and an almost hidden leer.

"Suggesting my ladylove isn't satisfying me?" James chuckled as he almost fell onto the sofa beside his old friend and lover.

"I wouldn't dare," there was an false innocence to that. "Not unless you suggested it first, James, and you did say--"

"Oh, shut up," he chuckled. "No, my relations with Lily are well."

"I'm so disappointed," came the response, and James got the impression that Sirius wasn't entirely being flippant on that. "I do miss you, James."

"I know..."

"But we also knew it wasn't forever. You would find your heart's love, and I-- I am still rejected by mine. I have... come to deal with that."

"You haven't."

"Bloody hell, James, why do you have to know me so well?"

"Just because I was your friend for ten years and your lover for three more wouldn't mean a thing. For those who know you, Sirius, your emotions are plain as day to see. Sometimes I wonder if you wouldn't have been better off if your heart wasn't so big."

"Maybe. But then I wouldn't be me, so we'll never know."

"True enough."

They sat together in the silence and the dark, just allowing it to stretch out between them. It had always been that way between them, the ease, the comfort, and the knowledge that they weren't wasting time if they didn't say anything. It had grown to be a more intense thing after they had become lovers, but that still hadn't changed it all that much. Still, even those silences had come to an end eventually, and so this one did when Sirius spoke.

"Since I am assuming you didn't come to see me just to remember what it was like when we shared this flat, what's going on? Have you changed your mind about having me as secret-keeper? I wouldn't blame you if you did, because really, I'm the obvious one. I told you that then."

"I trust you, Sirius. I always have, and that's not going to change any time soon. Lily does too. We wouldn't have suggested you be secret keeper unless we had discussed it and were absolutely certain..."

He could hear the brush of hair against Sirius's shirt as he shook his head. James closed his eyes and wished that things weren't necessary. Things had started happening so fast after he and Lily had wed, and everything had started falling apart. Then Lily had found out she was pregnant and they were scared.

James had as much reason as his wife did; he had found that his work at the Aurors had brought him into sharp attention, and that Voldemort was slowly stalking him and his family. He knew why, and he didn't really want to put anybody into danger, but he didn't want to give up Lily or Harry either, so he felt rather caught between it all.

That was when Dumbledore had suggested the Fidelus Charm, and had been wary when James had immediately listed Sirius as Secret-Keeper. He still wasn't sure why, but the responsibility had been weighing on Sirius's shoulders ever since, and on that thought, James reached out and touched Sirius on the shoulder, "Mate, are you sure you still want to do this?"

"You know I'd die before I'd betray you, but I worry that they'll find a way to make me crack. I mean, they could--" and then he went silent for a moment.

"Sirius..."

"What's this news you mentioned?" his voice was filled with false cheer, and James wanted to ask about it, but refrained for the moment. It would eventually come out, during the course of the conversation. That was always the way it was.

He cleared his throat, "Anyway, Sirius, I heard from Peter today."

"What did Pete have to say?"

"He said that he heard from Remus, and for people not to worry about him. After the last rejection, he decided it would be best if he locked himself away from the world for a while. He went to a monastary for werewolves in the south of France. I've heard of it, it's a nice place, and they'll take care of him when he can't take care of himself."

"Which just further removes me from him," Sirius sighed. "I'm not surprised, though. I used to pick him up after the full moons, take care of him, but I lost that right years ago. I don't know why I still cling to it so much. I'm glad to know he's okay, but..."

"But..."

"I don't know if I can believe he's really there. I've heard things, Jamie, and I remember. Remus might not be responsible for it, but I know the Wolf is capable of some horrible things, and he might have decided that he could do better with the Dark side, since the people on the Light are treating him so horridly. I can't say I'd blame him."

"Do you really think he's gone over?"

"I don't know, Jamie, I just don't," Sirius sighed and speared a hand through his hair. "I just know that I don't trust him, that I can't trust him, not for the right now. Maybe later, I can reclaim that ability, but Merlin... it still hurts, and I don't think I'll ever heal.

"That's the other thing, though. I think that if they have brought him over to their side, and they have convinced him that what they're doing is the right thing to be doing, I can't stay that I could fight him if they sent him in after me. I mean, it would make sense, wouldn't it? Send the person who knows the prisoner the best, knows all the cracks and the holes they have in their psyche, know just where to hit and how hard and watch them shatter. Watch them shatter and break and fall over themselves to tell the secret."

Sirius sighed then, louder this time, before finishing what he had to say, "Then, in an act of mercy, they kill them. Just a simple Avada Kedavra to finish up the job, either that, or they set them up to take the fall and forever to Azkaban for you--"

Then James, out of lack of knowing what else to do, fell back on the old method of shutting Sirius up that he'd learned over three years of being his lover. He leaned over and kissed Sirius hard on the mouth, and found that the other kissed him back briefly before pulling away, shaking his head.

"Don't even go there, James. You're Lily's, and not mine. You were never mine, so just don't..." he gave him a weak smile. "I know that you love me, in a way, just like I love you in a way, but there's no substitute for the one true one, and **now** do you understand why I hesitated for that long while when you first asked me to do the Secret Keeping for you? It's not out of a lack of love, Jamie."

"You're trying to protect us."

"Of course I am," Sirius said, sounding exasperated. "You, you're my best mate and Lily's like part of the family, and I do love you still. But it's not... it's different. And that's not even counting that little son of yours that I love as much as though he were my own. I want to keep all of you safe, and you know, sometimes, that means that I can't be the one doing the protecting. I'm not always the best one."

"You're suggesting then, that we choose someone else? Like Dumbledore?"

"Dumbledore would be an idea," Sirius replied, contemplatively. "But you know, how much do you think we can trust Pete?"

"Pete?!"

"Yeah," Sirius smiled, then, but it was a faint smile, and it faded quickly. "Me, I'm somewhat powerful, and I'm your best friend, and I'm godfather to your son, and a former lover of yours, and you show all indication of trusting me entirely."

"Maybe Padfoot," James replied, irritated, "that's because I do."

"That's why they'll come after me. And maybe, even if Remus isn't working for them, he... they'll send him to me, and put him under Imperius and he'll find ways of working the secret out of me, and for Merlin's sake, it's **Remus**. It's one of our own, and..."

"And Dumbledore did say that one of our own was out to get us."

"And Peter, that just doesn't make sense," Sirius shook his head. "Think about it James, he was always the least powerful of us all. And they would have reason for wanting to-- I can't believe I'm doing this."

"What?"

Sirius dropped his head in his hands. "I'm trying to convince you that the traitor among us is the very person that I've been in love with and pining over for seven years, and the same one that rejected me. It just doesn't make any sense, really. I can't believe this... I can't believe it's come to this."

"Sirius..."

"I just can't believe it, but really, James, who else could it be, if it's not you and it's not me?"

"Peter or Remus. That's all."

"I know. And who's the most likely candidate?"

"Remus, I hate to say. I can't see where Voldemort would want to recruit someone who wasn't powerful enough to actually help him defeat us. And, as much as I like Peter, there were a lot more wizards more powerful than he was at Hogwarts."

"Exactly."

"It's definitely worth considering," James sighed. "I hate this. I hate the entire fucking situation. If someone had asked me when we were all first years and innocent whether we would be in this situation, I would have laughed, and thought it ridiculous. But now, now we're caught in the middle of it, and there's no way out. If you can't trust your best mates, who can you trust? Your enemies?"

"That's bollocks. I'd like to see you trusting Snape with the secret," Sirius snorted.

"Right. He'd be the first person to go to Voldemort and whisper about our location. But it's getting closer, and I don't think we can hold off on doing the Fidelus Charm very much longer. So it's either going to be you or Peter, Sirius. I don't know whether or not I want to trust Peter to do this. I mean, he's weaker, so the secret would have to be something he'd want to tell, wouldn't it?"

"That's true."

James sighed and stretched, "I still don't like this."

"I don't think anyone is asking you to, Prongsy. Send Lily my love when you go, and kiss Harry for me. Since, if you do choose Peter and decide to go on with it, I won't... I won't know where you are for a while, if ever again."

"Oh, we won't be under Fidelus forever," James snapped. "Stop being so melodramatic."

Sirius shrugged and leaned in for a light kiss, "It's just a hunch, mate, and I live by those and my sheer bravado these days. Be careful and take care. I think you might need it."

James couldn't help a shiver at that as he returned the kiss and slipped away. He turned for a moment and gave Sirius a long glance, feeling like that mood that had fallen over Sirius over the last part of their conversation was somehow contagious, and that he had better get one last long look while he still had the chance to look.

With that, he let out a sigh, and headed out the door wishing he didn't feel like Sirius was going to be right, and that this would be the last time they ever saw each other.

He had cast it off as being ridiculous, and that they would see each other again, but somewhere deep inside, he really had to wonder. And so, even as he headed off into the warm summer night, James couldn't suppress a shiver.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	3. wait, wait, i guess i'm just too late

[Header information in Part 0]

Part III: "Wait, wait, I guess I'm just too late"

There were things that Sirius Black hated being right about. His last words to his former lover happened to be one of those things.

It played in his head now, while he had his arms wrapped around his bare legs, and his face buried in his knees while the burlap sack they had fashioned into robes for the Azkaban prisoners fell somewhere in the vicinity of his thighs. He squeezed his eyes shut, and tried to ignore the cold -- everything was so very, very cold -- and the numbness that was seeping through his veins.

He still remembered oh-so-clearly that day.

It was Samhain night, and dark, oh, it was so dark. He had been horridly restless, and since James had informed him that he and Lily had decided upon choosing Peter as their secret-keeper, there had been no word from anyone. The times were dark and cold, and the only things that kept Sirius company was his attention to duty for the Aurors, and the occasional checks on Peter. On that thought, he had decided that in order to get out, he would check on the last of their troupe, the one that had only recently started conversing with him like he was a human being rather than the slowest scum on earth.

He picked up the keys to his motorbike and strode out the door. He needed to feel the fresh air against his face that night, before he went stark raving mad from the cabin fever. He had been inside since he came off shift three days ago. He needed to get out for a while. Bad. So he didn't even think of taking the Floo, when otherwise he would have.

Caught in the midst of the Dementor-inspired memory, Sirius moaned and buried his face more firmly into his knees, rocking back and forth slightly, not even knowing he was doing it as he was trapped in the memory. He wasn't aware of anything but the pain and the cold, and oh, how dark it was.

He had sped through the streets of London, slick and damp with the rain that had been falling almost constantly for the past month. He had stopped outside Peter's flat and filled with confidence, had strode in. He had found everything untouched, the door wide open, and the fine covering of dust over everything as though he hadn't been there for a while. It was almost as though he had left without the intention to come back even to get his things.

The pieces fell together in his head, and he raced back out with horror, not even stopping to close the door behind him. It was a run that had no comparison other than the run that he'd done from Remus that time at Hogwarts when the wolf had suggested that he kill himself before he hurt anyone else. The pain flared and combined with the knowledge that he'd suspected the very person he'd been in love with so long. That only worked to speed his pace, and he nearly leapt onto the motorbike, and kicked it back into motion.

The streets were a blur as he raced toward that house, and it was then that Sirius realised that he actually knew where James was. That was the last piece that snapped into place, and he growled in anger. He never should have even known where James and Lily had been relocated to, instead of guiding the motorbike there as though he had been visiting there hundreds of thousands of times.

He had known that it was too late long before he got there.

He just didn't remember the night being so cold as it was now in his memory. He had arrived to find the house seemingly intact, right before everything exploded outwards. He could still feel the blood from the wound running down his face unnoticed as he raced into the house, hoping there was still a chance to save them. Any of them.

As it so happened, the first one he stumbled across was James.

When he saw him, at first, all he could do was fall to his knees in shock. James, who had always been so filled with life, lying dead here on the floor, his glasses away from this face, and the wand flung away from him. Sirius wondered for a moment how he could have even seen what he was aiming at if he hadn't had his glasses.

James couldn't even find his own arse without his extra eyes.

The hysterical laughter that burst forth turned into hysterical sobs almost immediately. James had been so many things to him, and now, now because he hadn't been brave enough, enough of the Gryffindor to take the task that James had offered to him more than once, he was dead. So much was lost, and he didn't know how long he knelt there, holding that body that was still warm, sobbing for what was lost and what would never be when something cut through the haze of pain.

He looked up, feeling lost, when he heard it again. The outraged wail of a scared and hurting child.

Harry.

In the cell in Azkaban, everything started blurring then, and it hurt too much to bear. It was in a haze that it passed, even as he grasped out for it. They loved feeding on this one, the bastards, and what better than a memory of a lost friend and lover, and the guilt, oh the guilt ran alongside the blood in his veins. Finding Harry, having to pull him out of Lily's dead arms, and kiss the girl that he had come to love as a sister on the forehead, closing her eyes for her. The world would never again know those eyes, that hair, that mind.

He had loved them both, in different ways, and now they were gone because of his failure. All that was left was the child they had so lovingly conceived together in the darkest of times, with hope the future would be better for him than it had been for them.

Slowly, then, that memory turned to mist, and slid through his grasping fingers like grains of sand only. He struggled to keep a grasp on it, but They took it away before turning back to him, and sorting through the memories he had. Twenty-two years of life was open to them, and They supped on fear, anger, pain, and guilt like a newborn babe does on its mother's milk. As desperately as he tried to keep them from that one wound, that one angry half-healed emotional scar, they eventually found it, and ripped it open.

Sirius Black then fell screaming into his own memories. Again he was sixteen, and wanting nothing more than to die. He couldn't even keep his mind enough to even remember how to transform into Padfoot, where it all would have hurt less, and instead, relived the entire incident over again. That growling tone, those eyes filled with anger, hurt, and betrayal lashing into his very skin, burning him raw. Oh, but it was the burn of ice applied directly to the skin and not from the heat of the summer day, sprawled on the beach and forgetting all forms of protection from its heat.

No heat was to be found here. Only ice, and pain, and the screams.

He sat through that memory and as they saw the reaction to it, they fed on it over and again until it was like a neverending loop in his mind, and he thought that he was going to go mad, that he would willingly do anything they asked him to, anything anyone asked him to just to get it to stop, to get the pain to stop for just a moment, just long enough to get a reprieve, a breath of fresh air. Only he got the breath of fresh air right before it started all over again, only there was no Gryffindor Tower to leap from, and yet, his mind still drew the conclusion it drew then.

That was the first day that he reached out with desperation and took his teeth to his wrist, and the flare of pain could break the memory. They would shuffle away, and soon afterwards, there were people who came in and healed the wound before cleaning the blood from the floor, and shuffling out again. These were the guardians of the fortress, the ones that were only seen in times like these, when the Dementors found that one memory to feed upon, and out of desperation, the prisoners tried to kill themselves.

Only they were sent there to serve the rest of their lives, and the wizarding population wasn't going to be cheated out of every bit of suffering and life that those sentenced there were had to give. So Sirius Black, though to be the Chief Lieutenant to the Dark Lord himself, who was responsible for so many deaths, was considered to be the prime one to suffer, and the prime one to blame.

So he was kept alive, and the wounds he inflicted on himself were healed, day after day, and the Dementors came back to visit those memories that hurt so much. Finally, when they had received all they could from that, they found new meat, new people to torment, and Sirius was left there, his mind running through the memories as though on automatic pilot, and in the midst of the night, he called out names.

Sometimes it was James. Other times, Remus.

He continued on like that for years, hearing people come and go. Sometimes they were sane, sometimes not. Sometimes they had to drag dead bodies past his cell, and so it was one day that he watched curiously as they brought the body of a young kid past his cell; he hadn't even graduated from Hogwarts yet when he'd been pulled into Azkaban on suspicion of being a Death Eater, but it was only a passing interest to distract himself from that wound that hurt him so badly.

Then one day, he awoke shortly after they came to clear the blood away and saw someone leaning against the inside of the cell they kept him in. He squinted in the dim light; there was hair that stood chaotically at all angles, and there was the suggestion of glasses. Still, that couldn't be who he thought it was. He was seeing things, or it was someone else, because the person he thought was standing there had been someone whose body he had cradled in a sort of hysteria after finding it upon the floor of what had once been a house that he and his wife had lived in.

After a moment, he heard that voice, and knew his mind **had** to be playing tricks on him.

"Blimey, mate, they treat you rough in here, don't they?"

"James?"

"Who else?" and then he crossed into enough light for Sirius to see him clearly. "Who else would come to you when you're being absolutely daft and try to kick you in the arse and make you see sense. And I don't even have as long as I usually do, either."

"And this is where you say, 'Sirius, you daft git, get your arse in gear before I have to beat sense into you.'?"

"No," and then he smiled sadly. "This is where I remind you of who is truly responsible for this whole mess, Sear."

"Me?"

"Peter," he said firmly, and grey eyes flashed with anger, but when he spoke again, it was the gentle calmness that he had approached Sirius with right after the initial incident with Remus. "Do you know, Sirius, how long I've been watching you do this to yourself, and being able to do absolutely nothing to help you? It's been over ten years now, and let me tell you that there are fewer things more futile than being dead when people need you."

"But James..."

"I don't want to hear it, Sirius. Perhaps if we'd been looking in the right place, we would have known, but as it happens, we didn't. We thought that it was possible that because of what Remus's wolf said to you, that it would be possible for him to turn to Voldemort. Yes, we should have known and trusted our friend better than that, but we didn't. We **didn't** , and things happened as they did. That doesn't automatically put you to blame, Sirius."

"It doesn't?"

"No, it doesn't. You didn't hold a wand to Peter's head and tell him, 'Wormtail, I will cast the AK curse on you if you do not turn to Voldemort and kill two of your best friends in the process.' Although, perhaps if you had..." James's eyes glittered mischievously then.

"Don't even joke about that," Sirius managed after a moment. "Don't even..."

James shrugged, "It's easier to joke about your death when you're already dead. Sirius, you're the only one who can do anything about this. As far as Remus knows, you're guilty, have been guilty all along, and Merlin only knows what he thinks about our relationship through your eyes..."

"I loved you, Jamie. I still do."

"I don't doubt that for a moment, but he does. That's because he doesn't know, and last time you and he were talking, even Moony thought the worst of you."

"I know," he muttered.

"Eh..." James tilted his chin up. "None of that. I came here to stop you from that, remember?"

"I remember."

"Stop Peter, Sirius," James told him. "That's all you can do for right now."

"I can't even do that," he growled in annoyance.

"Oh, this is a trifle," James made a gesture that made Sirius's throat tighten. It was something that was so inherently James that he didn't have words to put to it. "I know you have a brain behind that hair, and if you put it to use, you can get out of here."

"Can I, now?" he arched his eyebrows.

"You can. In fact, Sirius," and there was that glint again, that glint that was so... "I **dare** you."

The smallest of smiles played about Sirius's lips at that point. This whole thing might well be nothing more than an Azkaban dream, but it was a nice one, if it was. It had always come down to that between them, though. One would have that look and would dare the other, and he was still prone to it. After all, he didn't relish the thought of spending his life in here for something he hadn't even done.

"Accepted, then?"

"You know it is," Sirius said, watching as James started to pace.

There were a few long moments when he did nothing but that. It was mingled with frustrated sighs, and grumbles that were inaudible to Sirius's ears, and it was at some point that he realised that James was running out of time. Finally, James stopped his fidgeting pace, and crossed the cell again in three long strides. Then he took Sirius's face in his hands and brushed his lips against Sirius's. They were warm, as was James, Sirius found out as he thrust his hands into that thick black hair. It went on for several moments before it faded into nothing.

He closed his eyes, savoring the sensation and murmured softly, "Thank you, James."

"Any time," he heard echoing in the cell. "Just don't put this trip I made to waste, all right?"

"I won't, Jamie."

"See that you don't. Love you, Sear. Take care of things for me, will you?"

Sirius sighed; in that there was a hint of a suggestion to see if he couldn't work out his problems with Remus, and as soon as he got out, fulfilled a personal promise to himself, and repaired the damage that Azkaban had left, he would. With that thought in mind he smiled, and whispered hoarsely, "First chance I get, Jamie. First chance I get."

There was the hint of a smile, before he was gone entirely, and Sirius smiled before getting his mind back into working order again. At some point during the night, he rose, and looked out upon the full moon, thinking that if **that** was an Azkaban dream, then it was an unbelievably pleasant one.

As it so happened, the first chance had got was when he had managed to master the Animagus transformation again. It was three years after the visitation from James when he received a visitor carrying a newspaper. The visitor was Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic, and when Sirius asked for the paper, he found the one sign he was looking for.

The animagus form of Peter Pettigrew on the front page.

He had to get out of there.


	4. if you want me, you can call me

[Header information in Part 0]

Part IV: "If you want me, you can call me"

All things considered, Remus Lupin had never expected to see Sirius Black ever again. After they had all left Hogwarts, he had purposefully isolated himself from them, after all. Then there was the years where he had believed Sirius guilty for the worst of crimes.

During those years, Moony had being triumphant in his belief that Sirius was inherently a traitor, and that they had made the wrong decision by trusting him with their true nature. That it would have been kinder for Sirius to have killed himself back then, and that if that had happened, then James and the witch he had taken as his bride would have still been left alive, and happy with their son.

The son that James would have let them protect, if only Remus had allowed it.

James wasn't the only one that Moony spoke out against. He lashed out at Remus every chance he got for still somehow managing to hold "tender" feelings for the man, when he himself would have ripped the man's throat out with his own teeth had he had him in front of him while transformed. However, the nights of the full moon where he ran free and unhindered by Remus's presence told another true tale, for he punished himself as completely as he punished Remus, for being unable to let go of a mate that proved to be untrustworthy.

That dragged on until Albus invited him to come and teach at the school. That had been a rather nervewracking experience, and through most of the year, while Remus enjoyed the task, he wasn't quite certain why Albus had chosen him to come teach. Other than the fact that he had known Sirius, or thought he had known him, when they were all at school, and hence would have known something that would help lead to his capture.

As it had been, actually; he had known of the Animagus transformation, and he was certain they would have found the large black dog that was Padfoot skulking around. But for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to do it. His conscioue had gnawed at him all through the year, but it didn't change the fact that he had the information and said nothing.

Then the Marauders Map had fallen back into his lap after the old spell they had cast upon it in case Snape was to ever find the thing had been activated. It had been a difficult thing to school the mingled amusement and dismay into nonchalance, but he had managed it somehow.

The map had stayed hidden until that night, when he was edgy and nervous, like he usually was around the full moon, and had finally given in and reached for the map, watching it to keep his mind from what would happen later, as soon as the moon rose. Then, he had seen Sirius... and Peter. Peter, who was supposed to be dead, and whom Sirius had supposedly killed. However, since the map never was a lying thing, it must be true. But how?

It had been that question that had driven him to find Sirius and the others. When he did, he felt the world flip upside-down; all the things that he had been punished for, all the things that he had believed Sirius capable of was a lie. A lie. It all came down to a misjudgement in trust, and the mistake of a sixteen year old boy who was broken and shattered by all he had seen, all that had been done.

Remus had seen an echo of that sixteen year old in his friend's eyes, and it broke his heart to see it.

Then they had joined together to take down one who was once a friend, only to be found the true traitor to them all, with a slight interruption by Snape that was dealt with by the children quite well, actually. It was that which had Moony snapping in the back of his mind while he fought to stay as cool and calm as necessary. Then fate intervened in the form of Harry Potter and persuaded them both to send him off to Azkaban.

There were no arguments, although, while the cuffed trio he made with Peter and Ron Weasley had gone ahead, he heard occasional thuds behind him. He could only assume that that was Sirius maneuvering Snape about, and not being in the least bit gentle about it. After all, he had never exactly given Sirius cause to be on his best behaviour, especially not on this night.

Lady Luna had chosen that moment to intervene, and despite his best of hopes, Moony took the control that he had stolen from him all during the year, and had lunged in the direction of the traitor that was scuttling away in the form of the rat he always had been. Then, when he couldn't scent him, he turned, and found himself face to face with a huge black dog. He knew that dog; his packmate, the mate that he had repudiated in the middle of their sixth year, but now, an obstacle, and so he had lashed out at him.

There was a hurt look there, then, and Remus swore that as soon as he was able, they would find a way to put things to rights. Then he grasped control and headed them both deep into the forest. It was there where the struggle for control went on until they both froze as the ice cold chill raced over them, and the howling filled the air.

Padfoot!

Moony whined, then, and Remus realised that he had forgiven him finally for all that had been done when they were younger. It had been a hard, harsh road for them all to reach that point, but had Remus not halted him, they would have gone headlong to where the Dementors were.

For even werewolves weren't immune to the effects of Dementors.

So the howls slowly turned to shouts, protests, pleas. Then, slowly even those were silenced. When they did go silent, when there was nothing but the sounds of the Forbidden Forest surrounding them, Remus and Moony as one turned their nose towards the sky and let out a low, mournful howl.

At some point later, he had finally lost himself to a blackness deep and encompassing, and didn't awake until the next morning, where he was awakened by the pain of the retransformation back into himself once more. He lay there shivering and aching, and waiting to stop hurting long enough to make it back to the castle.

By the time he did, Dumbledore was waiting, and had taken him into his office, and informed him of all he had discovered. Of the children's actions that had saved Sirius from the Dementors and from a fate worse than death. He stood there, in shock, and a wave of emotion had washed over him, at that knowledge. Remus put it aside to deal with later, and had thanked the Headmaster for letting him know, before filling him in on what Sirius had informed him of in the Shack, as well as the appearance of Peter.

The elder wizard listened to all he had to say with interest, though he didn't seem surprised in the slightest at any of the events that Remus was describing. The one thing that had surprised him was the admission of knowing about the Animagus transformation that had happened when they were all still students at school. Remus gave a wry smile; somehow he had expected him to know of it already. After all, he seemed almost omnipotent to them all when they were at school, so why should anything be changed now?

Yet, somehow it was, but he held all comments for later, and waved for Remus to continue the story that he had started. He finished the story as swiftly as possible, and found that even with all of the revelations that had unfolded during the telling, the revelations that, had they known of them over the past twelve years, there would not have been the need to imprison an innocent man in Azkaban.

Dumbledore understood. Somehow he understood it all, but that was his wont, anyway.

"I spoke to Mr. Black," he said then. "He has told me the same story that you yourself have given me. The same story, again, as Mr. Potter, and Ms. Granger have spoken of. There was only one dissenting voice when it came to what happened over the previous evening."

Remus had to fight a snarl, "Severus."

"Yes, indeed, Severus. For his story alone, he would have received the Order of Merlin, and Sirius's capture, as well. That would have pleased him greatly, but it was stolen from him, and so he is angry."

Remus found a wry smile twisting his lips, "You wouldn't be telling me this, Headmaster, if he had not done something in his anger that concerned me, correct?"

"I'm afraid so, Remus. He has told his House of the secret we strove so mightily to keep."

He bowed his head and let out a long sigh. "It is the best Headmaster, for I fear that I was planning on tendering my resignation this morning whether he had let the news be known or not. There was a very near loss of control last night, and I cannot allow for that to happen again."

"If you're certain, Remus," Dumbledore said to him, in a tone so kind that it was almost severe. Then the mustache twitched, "We do have the most difficult time keeping Defence professors."

"I don't think it would be worth the fight you'd have in order to keep me here."

"The students speak very highly of you."

"I doubt they could continue to speak as highly knowing of what I am. Some prejudices go too deep, Albus. You and I both know that."

Seemingly, he hadn't argued much, and just let him go. As he walked through the corridors, the miracle that was the news travelling system that Hogwarts had was well at work. There wasn't a professor that hadn't stopped him, spoke of regret in seeing him go. McGonagall looked the most upset by his departure, and that surprised him; he had never known the woman to openly show whatever emotions she was obviously feeling.

Well, come to think of it, there **was** one professor that didn't stop him, regretting his departure.

Severus. Of course.

Not that he was suffering for that lack, of course. There would have been a time when he would have tried, but all that trying had led to nothing but more hatred, so he gave up. He just didn't care anymore. Not about him.

So he had gathered his things, returned the ones that he thought should have ben in Harry's hands, and departed from the school as swiftly as possible. Then he has returned to his home in Northern Scotland, he found himself with the funds that his tenure at Hogwarts had allowed, and too much time on his hands. Too much time to just sit and think.

The events of the past year had revised his opinion on events that had happened years before. The worst crime had been the fact that none of them had even thought to question Sirius's guilt, just because of one event. The same event that he had forgiven him for ages ago, but yet had been able to cross the barrier that had crumbled the instant Moony had thought him in danger.

For too long, the both of them had thought him capable of the worst of things, the worst of crimes, and the last thing Sirius could have possibly been capable of. What Moony could not forgive him for was a given fact, a known, but a mistake. A horrid mistake, made when they were little more than children, and Sirius, with the worst temper, had snapped.

It had been all too easy. Too easy for Remus to understand, as he always had, and forgive him. Too easy for Moony to see this as cruelty, delivered upon them both by one that they thought could be trusted. Above all, it was too easy for both of them to see as one that this was just the mistake made by someone who was too young to really know better, and to let it go. That might well have happened years ago, if they had allowed it.

Alas, it was too late to repair that shattered past. So Remus let it go, and hoped that, given time, it would repair itself. Yet, there was still the fact that the wound involving Sirius and James being involved for so long, and the appearance that Sirius was the one who had sold him to Voldemort, and sentenced him to die.

The Sirius he had known would never have done that.

Then again, the Sirius he had known had loved him. Once.

Remus groaned and sat down in the chair, thinking about the whole thing. The emotions of a teenage werewolf were so tangled and mixed up that now, he couldn't sort them all out. All he knew was that they all were valid, and that time had only confused them more.

Time and lies.

For some reason, then came to mind something James had told him once. It had been about a month and a half after the entire incident with Moony casting Sirius away. He had known what it was doing to his long-time friend, and had known that he would walk across hot coals for him if only he had asked. Only he couldn't ask, not even before, and now, it was even more of an impossibility.

At the time, they had all been sitting in the Common Room. James and Remus had been sitting together, going over a piece of work for Defence Against the Dark Arts, and watching Peter flirt with one of the girls. Then their eyes had fallen upon Sirius, as one, and they had looked at each other. They both loved him, both loved him deeply and knew of the other's regard for him. For despite the fact that Sirius had always called him the fey one, the one that the gods had looked upon and made to appear almost elven, it had been Sirius he saw those qualities in.

Never in himself. There were too many scars, too many imperfections, and even now, even in the future he could point them out, every one, and know that there are more now than they had been then. Yet, at one time, Sirius had believed that of him, while he turned that particular mirror to face his friend.

Yet, they sat there and watched Sirius go through the motions of being Sirius and had finally turned to Remus in frustration, running his hands through his hair and pulling at the strands in total frustration.

"You could do something, but you won't. You hurt him, yes, that may be true, but bloody hell, Remus, I think you might be the only on that could **help** him, and you won't. You won't do a bloody thing, and I just want to know why? Why in the name of Merlin won't you even try?"

His answer then had been simple, and honest. He had told James that there was a battle in him, between him and the wolf, and until the wolf actually was able to let go of the hatred, of the grudge that it felt toward the wizard that he would have taken as his mate, there was nothing he could do, because no matter how much he'd like to say that there were times where the wolf had no control over him, it wasn't true.

It wasn't that he didn't want to try, that he didn't want to do anything. At that point, he was powerless to do anything with the exception of trying to become Sirius's friend again, which had eventually happened before he had pulled away from them all.

Now, though, things were different. Things had changed. There were still differences to work through, and explanations to be made, but things had changed enough for there to be a start. A start in coming back to where they should have been years ago.

He rose from the chair to fetch parchment and quill, and penned a note to Sirius. He looked over it a few times before fetching his owl and sending her off with whispers of encouragement. He had no doubt that she could find Sirius, if he lived.

And as Remus Lupin settled back to wait, he knew somehow on a deeper level than even he was willing to think about that Sirius Black still lived. Whether he would answer the summons would be another matter altogether, and it was for that answer that he waited.

**~** ~ **~** ~ **~** ~ **~** ~ **~** ~ **~** ~*

-End of Part 4-


End file.
